Clouded Emotions…

Just when I thought I had gotten well rid of the past that I had soo wanted to forget, everything seems to be crashing down on me all at once. Like huge boulders raining on me…

I remember the person I used to be and thank God I have managed to gather myself from all that misery. God saved me from the person I was, struggling to scrape off the bits and pieces I had left of me. Even years later, it still affects me and I’m afraid I’d revert to being my old self… full of hate and anger.

Time has taken its toll, hopefully changing me in more ways than one. A better person than I once was and patient enough to endure life’s obstacles. Now I just don’t know, old memories are drifting back, slapping me hard as I go…

My soul yearns for happiness, a happiness that I had once obtained… but had slowly faded along the way. I smile to the world, I share your laughter and happiness while my heart is clouded with grey emotions. I don’t blame you for not noticing but I’m mad at myself for not being able to let it out. I can’t bring myself to spoil such happy people with grey matters.

Don’t ask me why, for I may not trust you enough. Don’t try and console me for I may just ignore you. Don’t force me for I do not like it. Don’t try and consult me, for I do not need it. Let me deal with this alone.

I hope God doesn’t leave me to stagger in this darkness, I hope He will shine His light upon me, guiding me to escape this dark abyss. I want to be led… but only by Him.

I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had. –From the television show The Wonder Years

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