Grasping On…

Do you know how it is to not be able to trust anyone for fear that they might use your secrets against you? Do you know how it feels to be laughing hard outside but crying uncontrollably inside…? Do you know how it is to work your ass off in striving something but end up failing instead? Do you know how it feels to have tons of pressure mounded upon you but when you think of it again, it’s really what you inflict upon yourself?

There are times when the pressure we inflict upon ourselves is too hard to bear. We strive hard, in fact so hard that we end up failing instead. We try to live up to everyone’s expectations but all we’re doing is benchmarking ourselves against others. And the pain inside just gets too excruciating that you go numb, walk around like an aimless zombie and pretend that everything’s fine. You’re laughing with everyone else, perhaps even louder but all you’re really doing is trying to beat the crying inside you. You’re just so great at pretending, people look up to you because they think you’re so composed, but only God knows what you’re struggling with. Have you ever felt that way…?

Sometimes I’m afraid to be too happy because every time that happens, something bad comes along and screws up everything. In the end, I set myself up to total despair and disappointment. On other occasions, during fleeting moments of happiness, I feel weird, like I have to be constantly ‘on guard’. It’s like, “I better not enjoy this too much or else…” Know what I’m saying? It’s scary… but I’m holding on. I will get rid of all these headaches I get from stress. I will live to finally end my life with, “…and she lived happily ever after…” Amin.

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want. –Margaret Young

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